still sick, but it’s different now

 I’ll probably make a bigger post later – I do want to actually post here again, occasionally. I like journaling in this format + sharing thoughts and the like. For now though, I just wanted to talk about my ED again, since it’s been a while.

I got a lot worse after that post – my meals got so restrictive that I was pretty much living on a combination of protein bars, strawberry cream cheese on bread, and whatever random craving I had. Also I got an exercise compulsion so bad that I walked 10 miles every single day (so several hours of walking) and would get upset whenever I couldn’t.  I couldn’t keep food in the house really either, because I got really into chew/spitting (as the name implies, I would chew food and just… spit it out instead of swallowing), which just made me feel gross. Then I started binging, so I ended up having to make myself maintain to stop it (it did not entirely work because I was stressed out from finals, but I tried). 

When I went home to my parents though, I was forced to stop. So I actually did get better for a while, at least physically. I ended up stuck in a place where I wasn’t trying to maintain, but I bounced between eating “normally” and restricting to such a degree that I just maintained my weight. My parents (and my grandparents) mentioned my weight loss multiple times. They still don’t know I’m anorexic (my stepdad asked me, but I denied it) but they’re worried. Honestly, it’s one of the only things stopping me from dropping too much weight. A lot of my ED revolves around having control over my food, and I think it would just backfire if they forced me to eat tbh.

Anyway - I’m back at college in my Master’s program, which is the other big thing keeping me from getting worse. I did restrict more for a couple weeks recently (unintentionally at first due to Adderall killing my appetite) and it gave me the WORST brain fog. Which was embarrassing. So now I’m at my normal level of restriction and well… I don’t want to say numbers but it’s definitely a decent bit lower than my last post and lower than I was all summer. And it’s barely above underweight. It’s so weird being this small. It’s been making me yo-yo a lot more in terms of intake. I restrict because it’s well… it’s what I do, and I’m not at this stupid goal I have for myself. On the other hand… I don’t log everything at the moment. I sometimes just eat and feel guilty later. It’s awful, I’m not gonna lie. I’m not recovered, I’m not maintaining, but I’m not “good” at my disorder. It sucks. The only pro is that I have energy. 

Anyway, this disorder is awful. Other than that, my life’s great though, just exhausting. <3 syxri out.