prince of the maggots

 I’ll probably make a bigger post later – I do want to actually post here again, occasionally. I like journaling in this format + sharing thoughts and the like. For now though, I just wanted to talk about my ED again, since it’s been a while.

I got a lot worse after that post – my meals got so restrictive that I was pretty much living on a combination of protein bars, strawberry cream cheese on bread, and whatever random craving I had. Also I got an exercise compulsion so bad that I walked 10 miles every single day (so several hours of walking) and would get upset whenever I couldn’t.  I couldn’t keep food in the house really either, because I got really into chew/spitting (as the name implies, I would chew food and just… spit it out instead of swallowing), which just made me feel gross. Then I started binging, so I ended up having to make myself maintain to stop it (it did not entirely work because I was stressed out from finals, but I tried). 

When I went home to my parents though, I was forced to stop. So I actually did get better for a while, at least physically. I ended up stuck in a place where I wasn’t trying to maintain, but I bounced between eating “normally” and restricting to such a degree that I just maintained my weight. My parents (and my grandparents) mentioned my weight loss multiple times. They still don’t know I’m anorexic (my stepdad asked me, but I denied it) but they’re worried. Honestly, it’s one of the only things stopping me from dropping too much weight. A lot of my ED revolves around having control over my food, and I think it would just backfire if they forced me to eat tbh.

Anyway - I’m back at college in my Master’s program, which is the other big thing keeping me from getting worse. I did restrict more for a couple weeks recently (unintentionally at first due to Adderall killing my appetite) and it gave me the WORST brain fog. Which was embarrassing. So now I’m at my normal level of restriction and well… I don’t want to say numbers but it’s definitely a decent bit lower than my last post and lower than I was all summer. And it’s barely above underweight. It’s so weird being this small. It’s been making me yo-yo a lot more in terms of intake. I restrict because it’s well… it’s what I do, and I’m not at this stupid goal I have for myself. On the other hand… I don’t log everything at the moment. I sometimes just eat and feel guilty later. It’s awful, I’m not gonna lie. I’m not recovered, I’m not maintaining, but I’m not “good” at my disorder. It sucks. The only pro is that I have energy. 

Anyway, this disorder is awful. Other than that, my life’s great though, just exhausting. <3 syxri out.

I haven't been here - or anywhere online really aside from Tumblr in a while bc of exams (and then the proceeding dissociation for over a month because I was stressed) but. I'd like to give some update on me so, here it is:

I passed all my classes and moved out of my apartment, and moved into my parents house for the summer. I live in a converted attic space which is pretty based except for the bugs at night and waking up sweaty (its very hot here, and my room only has a window AC with no auto-off/on setting, so unless I wanna run the AC all night I'm just doomed to sweat). I also have a pool, which is kinda cool.

I don't really have a whole lot else to say at the moment - I think I'll do a proper waffle on some of the cooler aspects of my day soon though :3

Hello again ~ It's been a bit. I'm normally a little exhausted/stressed most of the time (I'm in upper division CS courses + work at 8am 3 days a week), but god. These last few weeks have been particularly hard, unfortunately. xP Due to my unfortunate lack of doing anything over spring break academia-related, I had to scramble to get my stuff done for the week... On top of that, I had a midterm last Tuesday and a coding project that was due on the exact same day, which absolutely wrecked any semblance of a sleep schedule I had for a few days. I took a break afterwards so I wouldn't absolutely die, but as my usual post "burst of productivity" breaks tend to go... It stretched out until Sunday and I only ended up getting done what was absolutely due. >_> I did get my taxes done on Saturday at least, even if I did nothing else the rest of the day though :')

Sunday I finally managed to get my assignment done and get a crumb of studying done for the exam that's coming up tomorrow (Tuesday), but I do need to cram a bit today to make sure I've actually got the material down. Having unmedicated ADHD is so tiring, I always fall into these cycles even if I really don't want to. >_< Sometimes an insane amount of caffeine works, but sometimes with the sleep deprivation it does nothing and I'm just Tired.

On the list of good things though - Firstly, I've been watching Breaking Bad again - finally finished it (after like.. 4 years? lmfao) and am going to watch El Camino once my hw is done for the week. It's such a good show, I love it so much. <3 My roommate has also been watching, so I've been occasionally rewatching some of the older stuff with them and joking about it. We've decided that both Jesse and Saul have a lot of tboy swag + also that Mike is trans (which I came up with because I like the headcanon). So overall it's been pretty fun :3

I 'm also seeing Skinny Puppy on their final tour on Friday, which I'm majorly excited about. I was SO worried about missing it since they're not coming by my city (and I don't have the ability to drive to where they're touring at the moment due to lack of car >_>), but thankfully my parents offered to buy me a ticket + come pick me up since they're going. They're off on Friday due to Good Friday anyway (which my school doesn't take off for so I forgot about), so they were okay with making the 3 hour drive (one way) there and back to come get me. Incredibly epic and I'm majorly excited. I might post some stuff from the set here if I remember to do so.